i don't know what i want

"but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo;
what the hell am i doing here?


...... i don't belong here."

- creep by radiohead


i'm in a love/hate relationship with myself and everyone else lately. it's not pretty. i try to fit in and mold myself around everyone else and i succeed for a while, but in the end realization hits me (that i just don't, can't, fit in, no matter how hard i try to) and i can't lie to myself anymore and i'm back at square one; wallowing in intense self-pity and hating the world for making me a reject. i don't like being alone.

build it up and break it down, again and again and again, until there's nothing left.

i fucked myself up so bad no one knows how to fix me anymore, not even me.

you can't take my soul away from me

i keep most things to myself.

i have no qualms with sharing my opinion (examples being: "i hate your handwriting" and "i think 11am is too goddamn early for a rehearsal"). the only thing i have a problem with is sharing my feelings and thoughts and other intimate things because airing it all out makes me feel vulnerable. this is one reason why i have a lot of accquaintances but almost no close friends; i just can't open up to people. distancing people and keeping them at arm's length is almost a natural instinct because i don't want anyone to pry (but i still want them close, weird huh?)

you're probably wondering, if i'm so afraid, then why am i still writing here?

the answer is a little unorthodox. physically telling people things is different from blogging about them on the internet because it's intangible (to me at least). i need an outlet but i don't trust people, and i don't want them finding out about how i truly feel. and it's more impersonal this way. or maybe i'm just selfish, because all ideas lose their appeal once someone else knows and the novelty wears off.

it's the same with everything else. i used to handwrite all my stories/music when i was younger; now i type them all out or keep the ideas floating inside my head. i can't deal with having people know.


now, imagine my desperation when my laptop fucking broke.

where's the light at the end?

i love taxi rides, even when half the time i end up broke afterwards because i live so faraway.

because i'm lazy, i don't like having to fight for seats on the bus, and switching subway lines is an inconvenience at best. i'd much rather sit still and let the driver whisk me home without having to move a muscle.

then there's the beautiful scenery outside the window that i can either watch or snap pictures of.

so yeah, taxi rides are fun.

come back so i can punch you in the face

my old best friend from elementary school's leaving for the states this year. we used to talk on the phone all day, talking about stupid stuff like the powerpuff girls and teen titans, and i used to poke fun at her height because she had always been shorter than i was. we drifted apart in the last few years and we barely talk now, so i was pretty surprised to find a note from her on my desk today, asking me to write her something before she leaves.

thinking about what to write makes my heart hurt. it's like sending off a huge chunk of my life and i don't think i'm prepared to say goodbye to someone who's been such a big part of my childhood.

and i still don't know what to write even though i have a billion things i want to say to her. things i should have said years before but never did, things i should tell her before it's too late and she's gone to some place i can't follow. but the words are stuck in my throat and i'm having a hard time trying to sort through all those emotions and thoughts, among other things.

it's a strange feeling, to miss someone when they're not really gone yet.



i'm shit at this sentimental kind of thing.

it's a kind of tired that even sleep can't fix

these days, i feel so horribly tired.

i'm used to functioning on little to no sleep, so that's not the problem. i feel lethargic every second of the day, even when i've gotten a good night's sleep, and everything feels like a drag, a bore.

it's a kind of fatigue that is so bone-wearingly deep it consumes even the recesses of your mind and body and soul and whatever else there is of you. it has robbed me of my ability to write, to think, to live. i feel like i'm crumbling underneath all the pressure to succeed, because i've always never been able to deal with expectations and all that.

some days i wonder what keeps me going.

most of the time i don't even know myself.

who's caroline?

whenever i listen to this song, i feel like a narcissistic little fuck. right now, i have this really smug grin on my face and i can barely suppress the glee i feel from hearing jan curious croon and sing in that sweet voice of his and how it sounds just right to me, like he wrote the song to the sound of my name and that he wrote the song for me, to me, even. (it isn't.)

here's a little secret: i've always been a little obsessed with myself. this goes all the way back when i was a kid. i used to do ballet, and madame huang used to tell anyone who would listen that i was her 'little spinning top', because i had this tendency of only looking at my own reflection in the mirrors of the studio while we danced during rehearsals, especially when i did pirouettes. i only did it because she said i danced the best, that i was pretty, so naturally i had to check myself out. this was when i was three.

to this day, i still like to admire myself; not necessarily in the mirror, like i blatantly used to, it mostly happens inside my head now. call me self-obsessed, but it's the only thing that makes me feel good when the rest of the world is so intent on bringing me down and convincing me that i'm not as good as the rest of them, that i'm average and normal and ordinary.

but that's fucking bullshit, and i don't think i can really live with just that when i know i'm better. it kind of feels like being a genius that's surrounded by a bunch of idiots and ignorant fools. i can go on forever about the things i can do and you can't. what's there not to be jealous of about me? too bad when people say certain things to you for enough times, you finally succumb to the peer pressure and begin to believe that the bullshit they're spewing is actually true.

i am just as self-conscious of my flaws as i am of the better sides of myself, and all those years of brainwashing from my peers have finally driven me off the deep end and have forever distorted the way i see myself. my flaws are magnified to such extremes in my head that it overshadows almost all the good i might have in me, and i doubt myself constantly. i see brilliant people every day, and while being humbled isn't something i really object to, i hate being compared to those people, but it's something i can't help doing anyway. the caroline a few years back would have laughed at this and considered herself one of those smart people, but caroline of 2011 deems herself worthless and not deserving of the praise at all. most days i don't think i even deserve the attention.

this is something that bothers me a lot, but i don't think there's anything i can do about it until something big makes me change my mindset.

so for now, i'll just have to deal with both the wimp and the attention whore in me.

time is dead

i'm the type of person who either doesn't sleep at all or goes into mini-comas that last for 12+ hours.

it's not that i don't want to sleep. on the contrary, i happen to love sleeping. i get to escape from all the responsibility and the expectations and the pressure that people thrust upon me everyday, so sleeping is very nice. it's just that, nowadays, i either have too many 'important' things to do so i have to sacrifice my sleep, or i just lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and stay up, because all those days of working my ass off at night have screwed up my biological clock really badly and thus i am no longer capable of falling asleep at sane hours.

this really sucks because i usually hate myself in the morning, when i'm too lethargic to do anything and it feels like my brain is dead. in the end it's all my fault, of course. my choice to stay up leads to my own undoing. this is also one of the reasons why i hate mornings.

to compensate my lack of quality sleep, my body forces me to fall asleep at the weirdest times during the day. like in the middle of math class, through the weekend, two stops before i have to get off of the subway &etc. not cool when you're actually expected to be awake for most of those times, but what can i do?

right now, i'm avoiding sleep in favor of writing another nonsensical blog post and not doing any actual work (read: procrastinating).


tl;dr - i just really fucking hate school because it makes me lose sleep, either by force or voluntarily.

揺れて揺れて今心が

地震は凄くて怖い。本当に。



ただいま何もできないけど、心からお祈りを送ってます。

日本のみんなさん、気をつけて下さい。



さて、みんなさんで力を合わせて頑張ってね。

just let me breathe a little

i don't cry that easily.

so when i do, you know that something's seriously wrong.



there's a limit to how far you can push someone until something inside of them snaps, and i think you just crossed that line.

head says no but heart says go

i don't own a dslr. i don't use rolls of expensive film. i don't know a lot of photographic jargon. i don't take stunningly beautiful pictures of my friends. i don't flaunt the fact that i even like taking pictures. does that make me a shit photographer?

i don't have an amazing amount of vocabulary. i don't make use of elaborate plots. i don't have the best grammar. i don't write long, novel-length stories. i don't have the most sophisticated writing style either. does that make me a shit writer?

i don't remember a lot of the musical theory i've learnt. i don't really sing. i don't play 657651 instruments. i don't have a band anymore. does that make me a shit musician?

i don't know a lot of things. does that make me a shit human being?



stop looking down on me because, guess what? i'll just keep doing whatever the fuck i want.

no pity for a coward

突然、煙草を吸いたい時がある。

知らない人はそばに煙草を吸うと、白目で　とけ！この臭い煙草とも！！と心の中に叫んでる私、

室内は禁煙だから、街で知らない人と一緒にゴミ箱を囲んで一生懸命に煙草を吸う人はかわいそうと思ってる私が、

最近、煙草を吸いたい時がある。

もちろん、煙草を吸うことが好きになった訳じゃないし、煙草を吸った事もないし、格好つけるではないし、（吸いたい時、そばにはだれでもいなかったから。。。）ただ、吸いたい　という気持ちが心の奥から溢れてくる。呼吸でけむりは肺を通して、それから悩みと一緒に鼻から出る、というイメージをしている。

想像だけでも、ストレス解消し一つになれるかもしれない。