who's caroline?

whenever i listen to this song, i feel like a narcissistic little fuck. right now, i have this really smug grin on my face and i can barely suppress the glee i feel from hearing jan curious croon and sing in that sweet voice of his and how it sounds just right to me, like he wrote the song to the sound of my name and that he wrote the song for me, to me, even. (it isn't.)

here's a little secret: i've always been a little obsessed with myself. this goes all the way back when i was a kid. i used to do ballet, and madame huang used to tell anyone who would listen that i was her 'little spinning top', because i had this tendency of only looking at my own reflection in the mirrors of the studio while we danced during rehearsals, especially when i did pirouettes. i only did it because she said i danced the best, that i was pretty, so naturally i had to check myself out. this was when i was three.

to this day, i still like to admire myself; not necessarily in the mirror, like i blatantly used to, it mostly happens inside my head now. call me self-obsessed, but it's the only thing that makes me feel good when the rest of the world is so intent on bringing me down and convincing me that i'm not as good as the rest of them, that i'm average and normal and ordinary.

but that's fucking bullshit, and i don't think i can really live with just that when i know i'm better. it kind of feels like being a genius that's surrounded by a bunch of idiots and ignorant fools. i can go on forever about the things i can do and you can't. what's there not to be jealous of about me? too bad when people say certain things to you for enough times, you finally succumb to the peer pressure and begin to believe that the bullshit they're spewing is actually true.

i am just as self-conscious of my flaws as i am of the better sides of myself, and all those years of brainwashing from my peers have finally driven me off the deep end and have forever distorted the way i see myself. my flaws are magnified to such extremes in my head that it overshadows almost all the good i might have in me, and i doubt myself constantly. i see brilliant people every day, and while being humbled isn't something i really object to, i hate being compared to those people, but it's something i can't help doing anyway. the caroline a few years back would have laughed at this and considered herself one of those smart people, but caroline of 2011 deems herself worthless and not deserving of the praise at all. most days i don't think i even deserve the attention.

this is something that bothers me a lot, but i don't think there's anything i can do about it until something big makes me change my mindset.

so for now, i'll just have to deal with both the wimp and the attention whore in me.